The Art of Curiosity

We are born with a tool that creates wonder for us, allows us to pursue information and experiences that are new to us, and assists us in creating connection with others. Curiosity. It’s hardwired.  How is yours?

When I went looking for mine, I found it under layers of cultural judgment.  I learned that it wasn’t OK to not know. It’s important to have the right answer. If someone else is right, I must be wrong. If I give the wrong answer, I must be dumb. Smart girls have the right answers. Whew! My curiosity curled up into a ball and wasn’t heard from for years! 

As I began to peel back those judgments one by one, I uncovered wonder. I became fascinated by the world and the people around me.  I set aside my hesitation and began to blurt out questions!  Like a 2-year-old, I began asking: “How? Why? Then what?” I noticed that I felt important and recognized when others asked me questions about what I thought and felt, and I felt closer to them. I felt honored because they were interested in me. A whole new dimension opened up for me. Before long I understood that I wasn’t losing anything by asking questions, and I stood to gain a lot; meaningful relationships, new information, and the freedom to communicate without defensiveness.

Ready to try? Start with yourself. You know those dialogs that go on in your head? Imagine that one voice is an innocent child and the other is the judge. Can you step back and listen to the dialog as an observer? Can you feel compassion toward the judge and the child, wish them both well, and get curious about what each is requesting? Get really interested. What is that child asking for? What is the judge afraid of? What do they each want for you? What else is going on? If you can become the observer, you can be curious with yourself! No one has to be wrong or right, you just want to hear what they both are thinking and wanting. Do they both have valid points? Can you get valuable information from both? Congratulations! That is Curiosity 101.

The next step is to get curious when you’re out and about. Do you get irritated while driving? Are you annoyed by drivers who slow down while talking on the phone? Try curiosity. What could they be talking about? What really important news could they be receiving right now? Do they hate to be alone? Are they making big decisions? What other questions can you think of? When you are able to get curious instead of jumping to criticism, you’ve mastered Curiosity 102!

Now you’re ready to try it with another person, you’ve reached Curiosity 201. I suggest you practice with an adult first, because kids will be on to you and immediately suspicious of your motive. Most adults are so far removed from their own curiosity that they’ll play along innocently. You may even change a life or two while you’re practicing. Start with easy set-ups.

You may hear someone saying “I hate that show.”

You could ask, “What’s your favorite show?”

After they answer you can ask," What do you like best about it?”

If you feel yourself having fun, ask another question that takes a lead from the last answer. You may hear that she likes to laugh at the end of the day, or likes mysteries, or likes to watch other peoples’ drama, but doesn’t want any of her own. Be careful, this type of interaction is addictive, and you could find yourself really getting to know someone. If you start with an easy set-up, you won’t have to worry about getting caught up in an opinion that’s different from your own, which can send you back into old patterns of defensiveness. Practice a little before you tackle that one. Once you get comfortable with the easy ones you are ready for the big jump to Curiosity 202.

It’s time for the advanced levels. There are two: being curious with your kids and talking with someone whose opinions differ from yours.

First, the kids. Transparency is always the best policy with kids. They are still sensitive to their intuition, and without a mortgage, cable bill or kids of their own to worry about, they have plenty of brain space. Start by asking them about their curiosity, or telling them that you’ve been rediscovering yours, so you’ve started having different kinds of conversations. They may pull the switch on you here and start asking you questions. Go ahead and answer, it’ll take you into conversation where it’s easier to ignite your own curiosity. The great part about being curious with kids is that they try out a lot of stuff on us. They try out their dreams, their fantasies and our limits. Staying curious means NOT biting when bated! For example, your son says

“I think I’ll dye my hair purple.”

Instead of yelling “Are you nuts? No son of mine will be running around with purple hair!!”

You could stay curious and ask, “Why purple?”

You may learn a lot about how much thought and research he has (or has not) put into this decision, about his color preferences, or about what is going on with his friends. Curiosity here has the potential to deepen your understanding of your son, and for him to discover a new dream or fantasy without you ever having to pull rank.

 

Next is different opinions. Remember that culturally, we’re programmed to believe that someone has to be right. I promise you, it’s a tremendous relief to let that belief go. If you let it go, you can enjoy amazing conversations and learn how rich life is when diversity of ideas is a part of it. When you let go of trying to convince someone of your way of thinking, and release defending your stand for fear that the other guy will try to change your mind, you are free to simply listen and simply express. If I tell you that my favorite color is orange, would you try to convince me that blue is a better favorite color? Would you be fascinated to hear that orange is my favorite?  Sounds silly in those terms, doesn’t it?  But if we change the topic to education or health care, we get all competitive! Keep the color example in your mind. If someone says that they are proud and confident in the current administration, simply consider it their favorite color.

I have become so fascinated by this innate sense that I’ve devoted a lot of time and passion to developing The Curiosity Project. It’s a workshop with tools and experiential learning to help you access and utilize your curiosity. It includes follow up that supports the new communication with our partners, families, colleagues and the world. Look for a workshop near you, or contact me about organizing one near you.

Call me for more information!